Bagels are so chewy!

Bagels are so chewy!

If you read this blog for nerdy tech shit, look away. This post is about bagels and religion. It's called "Liv's Thoughts" not "Liv's Technical Blog"

I was talking in a Discord server and my former friend dropped this bombshell in chat:

discord screenshot of message "bagels FUCKING SUCK!!!"

As a Jew, I took this personally. How dare they insult the very core of my being, delicious bagels. There is no single greater food in the world than bagels with good toppings. Since Jews invented bagels, I shot back.

discord screenshot of message "reported for antisemitism"

I would have left it at that, a simple joke response to a one-off message, but of course things escalated from there.

discord screenshot of message "they're so chewy"
props for spelling "they're" correctly

I was puzzled for a moment, and then I wondered if they just ate them out of the bag, untoasted. It was such a preposterous idea that it almost wasn't worth asking, given that everyone toasts their bagels... right?

discord screenshot of message "...are you... toasting it?"

The answer was worse than "no".

discord screenshot of message "people toast them?"

How does any living being on the planet we call earth not know that bagels get toasted? Do they look at the "bagel" icon on their toaster and think nothing of it??

Dualit-brand toaster, with orange arrow pointing at dial icon of a bagel
Sidenote, the pictured toaster is $259.99 on Amazon, making it the 3rd-most-expensive toaster I have ever used

The revelation that they had never heard of people toasting their bagels was so shocking that I had a pause for a moment before responding.

discord screenshot of messages " rabbi just had a heart attack from that statement" and "I'm actually going to explode"

Every day, humanity strays further from God.

discord screenshot of messsage "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TOAST BAGELS??"
props for spelling "you're" correctly, if you're going to commit a crime like this message, you might as well spell it right.

I grew up eating bagels the right way, toasted and spread with cream cheese. It has only really hit me now that that could have something to do with me being Jewish. Regardless, people should still know how to eat bagels correctly!

screenshot of discord message "You have hurt my jewish soul"

I then sent an image (shown in the post header) of good and proper bagels

discord screenshot of message "this is how bagels should be eaten", attached to the message is an image of bagels with lox, cream cheese, onions, and capers.

This of course made things worse, who could have guessed? They apparently have had all of the things that go on the bagel... without the bagel.

screenshot of discord message "i have had that before!! but there was no bagel"

In the ensuing messages, they revealed other things, like not knowing what lox is, but further confirming that they have had all the bagel toppings, just without the bagel.

screenshot of discord message "then yes! i have eaten cream cheese, salmon, capers and red onions without the bagel"
in what context do you eat all those things without a bagel???

Welp, I need a soul cleansing. Maybe I'll go eat a bagel or something.

UPDATE 2024/1/27:

I was chatting with my friend again, and I decided to ask if they had eaten a bagel properly yet.

screenshot of discord message "have you eaten a bagel properly yet"
Thanks for reading my blog, Far!

The answer, of course, was a resounding "yes, and they're now my favorite non-chewy food"...

screenshot of discord message "i would but get this they don't fit in my fucking toaster"

This, of course, prompts the question, "why can't they fit bagel slices into their toaster?"

Using my extensive expertise from working in IT, I deduced that they may, in fact, not be using bagel slices.

screenshot of discord message "do you... slice them first?"
screenshot of discord message, "wdym"
screenshot of discord message "do you cut the bagel in half before putting it into the slots"
screenshot of discord message "i haven't tried that"

This felt like the time I sat on the phone with some guy for an entire hour as I walked him through installing Adobe Acrobat. Am I going to have to sit there on the phone with you as you make a bagel, Sonyrobat? I imagine it would go something like this:

"Then, you need to press on the button that says bagel on it"

"The power button?"

"No, the bagel button"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, press the bagel button"

"Nothing's happening"

"Did you plug in the toaster?"

"Was I supposed to?"

screenshot of discord message "reported for antisemitism"

UPDATE 2024/1/29:

The Bagel Redemption Arc

I spotted my friend in chat again, and asked the all-important question...

screenshot of discord message, "have you had a bagel yet"

I got a little nervous as I received an enthusiastic yes.

screenshot of discord message, "yeah!!"
screenshot of discord message, "how was it and what did you have on it"

I, of course, had to see just how badly they screwed it up. I was prepared for the worst, but also something as minor as "fine and just butter"


Ladies and gentlemen, we got em.

screenshot of discord message, "cream cheese salmon caper and yes IT WAS FUCKING GREAT!!!!"
screenshot of discord message, "I HAVE PURCHASED TWELVE BAGELS I HAVE EATEN FIVE"

The moral of today's story is clear:
Eat your bagels properly or else you become a blog post.