Not the alt-left, mind you. The left-alt. Yes this is all for a dumb keyboard pun.
Prologue
<tangent class="related">
When I was little, I witnessed a photo director repeatedly yell "Apple K" to his assistant, to signal them to trigger a tripod-mounted camera. In a free moment, I asked what "Apple K" meant. The assistant informed me that the director meant "Command K", as that was the hotkey he had set to trigger a camera shutter, but that the director was really old— so old that he was referring to what the Command Key used to be called, the Apple Key.I laughed and wondered how anybody could get that wrong, when the keyboard so clearly says "command" on it.
</tangent>
Chapter 1
Growing up in my house, there was always a computer present. One of my parents had an iMac G5, and the other parent had an iMac G4 with the matching transparent set of speakers. The first computer I could consider "mine" was a 13" unibody MacBook Pro, handed down from one of my parents. It was on that device that I learned to use Scratch, Kid Pix 3D, and install every Chrome extension known to man.
The G4 and G5 computers shipped with a wonderful white keyboard, and you can even see remnants of that "Apple key" mentioned in the prologue. Apple printed the Apple and Command icons side-by-side, so that people can call the key what they're used to calling it, even though it's totally the Command key.
You'll notice that the word "option" is printed below the word "alt" on that keyboard. The keyboard wasn't one I got much typing time on, as my parents didn't want me to break their expensive computer.
My first computer was a handed-down Unibody MacBook Pro. This keyboard, more than any other, shaped the way that I view keyboards to this day.
This keyboard taught me to type. When it came to what I called each key, I would grab the first word from the top down, as one does when reading any text. The "alt" keys are "alt" keys to me, and always will be. The same goes for the "enter" key. The "command" key is the "command" key because that's the only text on it.
I got so used to calling them that, that I didn't even notice when Apple removed the "enter" and "alt" text from my next computer, a 2016 MacBook Pro.
Chapter 2
That brings me to today, in which I am now the old man yelling at clouds keys. First they take my Dashboard, then my Alt, then my Enter, next my System Preferences, and now god-damn Launchpad? Is nothing sacred to you people anymore??
I still obliviously instruct people to use keyboard shortcuts with "alt" and "enter", despite it being perfectly reasonable for brand-new computer users to have no idea what I am talking about.
And you know what? I'm not changing. I am a proud member of the Mac users left using alt keys. The left-alt? I think we need a better name. The Apple-Ks?
It seems that Apple puts the soon-to-be-phased-out names of keys at the top of the key— and the name Daddy Tim wants it to be called on the bottom. After a couple generations, they phase it out and leave you Up Alt Creek without a paddle.
Nowhere does it say that you should read unfamiliar keys from bottom-to-top, and the small font size difference clearly isn't substantial enough to make that message clear.
Regardless, I'm so glad that Apple is done changing the names of keys on the keyboard, because it's so stupid when they do it for no reason at all.
Chapter 3
4 years ago, I got my latest computer, a 2021 MacBook Pro 14".
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THEY MOVED "FN" TO THE TOP OF THE FUNCTION KEY?!
I use the function key every single day, and if they dare change it, it will be so over. I cannot fathom the boardroom meeting that went on where somebody suggested removing it. What are they going to change F1-F12 at the top of the keyboard to be? 🌐1-🌐12? I fucking hate this shit.
There is zero compelling reason that this should happen. For the Apple key, I get it. Too much of your brand logo everywhere; diluting the image or whatever. I just cannot understand the motive behind ditching "enter", "alt" or "function". People know what all of those keys mean and do. They're all widely used. They're not diluting your logo. They're just fine as-is. This is just so useless and needlessly confusing for users.
For those wondering why it's the globe logo, pressing it changes your keyboard language, should you have multiple enabled.
If you only have one keyboard language enabled, I believe it brings up the emoji menu. There is no need for a dedicated emoji button. This is so dumb.
Epilogue
Recently, I was instructing someone on how to paste without formatting in Apple Pages. I told them to press "Command Alt Shift V". They asked where the "alt" key was. I said to them "it's right there, do you see the one with the alt symbol?" This did not help.
My little sister has grown up in a time after the alt key. After the enter key. Maybe she looks at me in the same way that I looked at that old man who talked about the mythical "Apple Key", even if I had just barely started using computers after it was removed from keyboards entirely.
I worry about a future that has a dedicated emoji button— one where nobody knows how to type emojis with colons :pensive:. The name changes of these keys make it just that little bit more difficult for experienced people to teach those who are new to computing.
I don't really know how to end this blog post, so I'll just end it here.